“[...] there are things in life we cannot control and mysteries we cannot understand; that I wanted them to take more care with themselves, their friends, and their families; and that we could not “deaden our sensitivities by working too hard”. That last bit of advice had been always easier for me to give than to take.” (p 532)

Bill Clinton after the suicide death of Vince Foster, a life-long friend of the Clinton’s, lawyer and later member of the White House Office Council.

“My mother has raised me to look for the good in everybody.”

On a Monday I went to my Salsa club as usual. Seeing and greeting many familiar faces, I found myself being called ’sweetie’ by a guy who I know, but whom I am not any close to. He never called be ’sweetie’ before that. I was surprised, a little unpleasantly, but did not object. After all, having lived in England for four years now, I should be used to being addressed by ‘darling’, ‘love’ or ‘gorgeous’, should I not. Indeed, this was amongst the first cultural differences I noticed when I came to London four years ago. Strangers, people I had never met, man or women, called me ‘darling’. When men called me like this, I thought, ‘wow, they must like me’, when women did, ‘what is this all about’? Well, it goes without saying that I learnt very quickly that this was nothing but common.

Sweetie seems to be the new darling. Now it is more often that I am being addressed using the word sweetie, whereas just a few years ago it was more the word darling. Even Barack Obama admitted having the bad habit of calling people sweetie and apologized for it to a female reporter whom he had addressed saying, “Hold on one second, sweetie.” That was just in 2008 when he was still Senator. (Chicago Tribune) Anyhow, sweetie is supposed to be a term of endearment, as darling is, it developed from the adjective sweet by adding the suffix -ie, becoming a noun, and is a synonym of sweetheart. It refers to a person who is dear to and loved by another person. Other words along the constellation of diminutives meant for loved people are darling, honey, sugar, sweetie pie etc. (Merriam Webster) According to linguists, all can be used as vocatives, which means addressing people by their or any name. Now we know the theory behind it.

What about the practice? There is nothing wrong with the word sweetie by all means. It feels great to be called ’sweetie’ by my sweetheart, even in public. However, I am not prepared to be called ’sweetie’ or ’sugar’ or ‘love’ by people I hardly know, publicly or not. The example of Obama having used it in public showed that society is still coming to terms with it and is perhaps trying to re-define the context. American newspapers were discussing this incident, mulling over potential underlying meanings such as offense, dismissal and condescension, especially when men refer to women using diminutives. So, why not continuing to use it in the historically and traditionally known context only – as an endearing word, relating to people one loves and cares for. What other words are out there to use to make loved ones feel special instead? When I say then, ‘Hold on one second, sweetie’ to my sweetheart, he will know what I mean.

“And to the memory of my grandfather, who taught me to look up to people others look down on, because we are not so different after all.” (Intro-note)
(Source image: www.amazon.co.uk)

Lord Henry says: “We can have in life but one great experience at best, and the secret of life is to reproduce that experience as often as possible.”

One day in August 2009 I received an email from my friend Arul. Her email was sad and encouraging at the same time. She wanted her friends to know that a relative of her passed away after having lived with breast cancer for 5 years. She was only at the beginning of her fifties, a teacher. Arul writes: “Just before midnight yesterday, she began to have excruciating pain, checked into the hospital and was administered morphine for her pain. She passed a few hours later.The cancer had taken its toll quickly [...].” Those are the sad facts.

As my friend puts it, we certainly do not expect to face the end when we know that life expectancy pushes towards 80 years and more, and that we all can have active, full lives despite experiencing first “unavoidable age related health matters, such as weakening eyesight and hearing, joints aches, cholesterol level, cysts/fibroids etc…and of course superficial greys and wrinkles” in our fourties, which would be middle age.

The encouraging side of this story is that a human being is able to live a dignified life till the end by making a bold, conscious choice. This was such with Arul’s relative. She was diagnosed with cancer 5 years ago,  but opted against chemo and surgery. Everybody would be curious to know as to why she chose this path as having cancer and not treating it means certain death? One explanation Arul found was that she had cared for her mom for many years who was bedridden after a severe stroke. So she had seen the pain and suffering first hand and must have developed the wish and conviction not to do this to anyone. In the end, not wanting a “repetition of that for herself and her siblings, she chose not to go down that path and pass on with dignity and minimal suffering.” And she suffered minimal pain before the end, apart from occasional fatigue, and lived a good life by her standards. “And pass on she did as she had wished. It is for those left with behind to deal with the loss and grief….make peace with it …and find the courage to carry on with life.” Futher to Arul, the family is in shock despite knowing she had cancer. Death, indeed, is hard to cope with, may it come sudden or with warnings.
To many, this woman was brave. She made a brave choice and gave herself a life without suffering and agony, which cancer treatment in hospital would have certainly meant for her. Arul and I find ourselves reminded of our luck to be healthy and in a position to do what we love in our lives. We will certainly continue to make the most of our days on Earth. She goes to her annual screenings and check-ups; I am a bit careless, realising that I have not had a test in four years, but will make up for it.

“All women are like that. Even the proudest of them become abject slaves where marriage is concerned.”  (Chapter VIII)  Source Image: www.ruslania.com

Dr Urbino says: “Always remember that the most important thing in a good marriage is not happiness, but stability.” Source image: The Washington Post.

Without him, I would not exist.

Whilst having lunch with an Egyptian man, I heard more about his personal life as he marked the cornerstones on his way to marriage and having a family. As a young man in his twenties he lived in Alexandria, a modern Egyptian city where young people, especially young women, lead an independent life, enjoying themselves while developing a career, going out and dating according to western style. So he dated a woman and loved the idea of just doing things together, such as travelling, without the final commitment. However, there seem to be more conservative women. He met one, admired her for her beauty and enjoyed her company. He had reached the end of his twenties by now. They could not date for long without clarifying their intensions, his intensions in fact. They got married. Eight years into marriage, he is happy to have her, to have her as the mother of his children. He is oftentimes feeling the immense pressure of responsibility…yet accepting it and handling it well. On few occasions he misses the careless time of dating. Source photograph: National Geographic